im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
