Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
