chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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