I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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