dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
