so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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