It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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