i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
