I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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