Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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