After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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