The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
