Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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