Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
