I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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