The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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