I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
