I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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