Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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