Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
