i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
