shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
