I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
