I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
