please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
