I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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