Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
