she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
