I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
