please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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