well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
