i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
