i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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