What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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