I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
