I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
