she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
