dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
