i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
