dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
