masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
