I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
