I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
