Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
