I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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