i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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