I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
