i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
