I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
