I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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