I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
