and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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