well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
