I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
