So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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