They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
