My sheets look like a crime scene.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize