just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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