Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
