i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
