winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
