PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
