My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize