if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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