I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just pee around me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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