FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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