when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I had to cum in my sink.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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