I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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