How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
